Eat My Shorts!

As we're winding up the school year for THD and Little Guy, I've got an incredibly full week ahead. I thought I'd repost one of my favorite oldies. Hope you get as big a giggle out of it as I did. ;-)

What's up with Ohioans in the news lately? Last week it was mummies, now some dingleberry was arrested for making nasty phone calls.

'Hood's phone records show he made 2,623 calls in 20 days, "all basically obscene in nature," Coshocton County deputy Brent McKee said.'

It gets even better. James Hood, from Licking County (ok, I had to get that in there!) made all the calls between 2am and 3am.

That's about 131 nasty calls in an hour.

So...that begs the question.

Given the time allotted, exactly how obscene could these calls have been?

In the spirit of one of my favorite shows, Mythbusters, I decided to test it out myself.

First some calculations.

1). Since Hood allegedly made these calls between 2 and 3am, I tried to figure out what most likely set him off at that particular time. My guess is that it was after closing time at the bar, and he came home three sheets to the wind.

2). 131 calls in 60 minutes equals a little over 2 calls per minute, or about 27 seconds per call.

3). Some people have telephones in their bedrooms. Some don't. So if you calculate the answering time from dead-to-the-world to "hello", it's probably between 2 and 8 rings. Midline is about 5.

Armed with those stats, I set to work.

Obviously, I wasn't going to drink all night and let my fingers do the walking at 2am.

I did, however, have a couple of martoonis and watched the season premiere of The Sopranos. Since hubby wasn't interested in watching the polygamists in Big Love, he departed upstairs to watch some sporty thing on Espn2.

The kid was reading in his room, so I had the place to myself.

When the second hand on the big clock hit 12, I started dialing on my cell phone.

Ring...Ring...Ring...Ring

Hello?

Me (in my best Chester-the-molester voice): "I like to sniff bicycle seats!"

What?

"I like to sniff bicycle seats!"

What the f...?

Click. Buzz. I hung up.

Looked at the clock. Damn. 39 seconds. Too long.

So I dialed again.

Ring...Ring...Ring...

Hello?

"BIG BOOBIES!!" I bellowed.

Wha..? Who is this?

Click. Buzz. The clock read 28 seconds. Right on time.

So I established that I could dial the phone, wait for an answer and get two words out in the time allowed. I had a control.

Now I had to do it again to confirm it, so I made one more phone call.

Ring...Ring...Ring...

Hello?

Rut row. Definitely a hostile voice.

I hissed into the phone, "Sweaty Socks!"

My better half--exasperated--said from the extension upstairs:

Honey, do you want something, or are you trying out that Mythbusters crap again?

Rats! Busted!