Thursday, May 14, 2009

Eat My Shorts!

As we're winding up the school year for THD and Little Guy, I've got an incredibly full week ahead. I thought I'd repost one of my favorite oldies. Hope you get as big a giggle out of it as I did. ;-)

What's up with Ohioans in the news lately? Last week it was mummies, now some dingleberry was arrested for making nasty phone calls.

'Hood's phone records show he made 2,623 calls in 20 days, "all basically obscene in nature," Coshocton County deputy Brent McKee said.'

It gets even better. James Hood, from Licking County (ok, I had to get that in there!) made all the calls between 2am and 3am.

That's about 131 nasty calls in an hour.

So...that begs the question.

Given the time allotted, exactly how obscene could these calls have been?

In the spirit of one of my favorite shows, Mythbusters, I decided to test it out myself.

First some calculations.

1). Since Hood allegedly made these calls between 2 and 3am, I tried to figure out what most likely set him off at that particular time. My guess is that it was after closing time at the bar, and he came home three sheets to the wind.

2). 131 calls in 60 minutes equals a little over 2 calls per minute, or about 27 seconds per call.

3). Some people have telephones in their bedrooms. Some don't. So if you calculate the answering time from dead-to-the-world to "hello", it's probably between 2 and 8 rings. Midline is about 5.

Armed with those stats, I set to work.

Obviously, I wasn't going to drink all night and let my fingers do the walking at 2am.

I did, however, have a couple of martoonis and watched the season premiere of The Sopranos. Since hubby wasn't interested in watching the polygamists in Big Love, he departed upstairs to watch some sporty thing on Espn2.

The kid was reading in his room, so I had the place to myself.

When the second hand on the big clock hit 12, I started dialing on my cell phone.



Me (in my best Chester-the-molester voice): "I like to sniff bicycle seats!"


"I like to sniff bicycle seats!"

What the f...?

Click. Buzz. I hung up.

Looked at the clock. Damn. 39 seconds. Too long.

So I dialed again.



"BIG BOOBIES!!" I bellowed.

Wha..? Who is this?

Click. Buzz. The clock read 28 seconds. Right on time.

So I established that I could dial the phone, wait for an answer and get two words out in the time allowed. I had a control.

Now I had to do it again to confirm it, so I made one more phone call.



Rut row. Definitely a hostile voice.

I hissed into the phone, "Sweaty Socks!"

My better half--exasperated--said from the extension upstairs:

Honey, do you want something, or are you trying out that Mythbusters crap again?

Rats! Busted!


She said...

You are SUCH a GIFT to my doldrum-y days! I've not laughed that hard in a while!

You are too damn funny!

Thank you for that!

Big Pissy said...

hee hee hee!!!!! Love it!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh! My! Gawd! You are hysterical.
I don't know what's funnier-- Your post or the reality that I probably know the perv who made the calls. I'm from Ohio. Now I remember why I left :-)
More please!!!! xo

Chris H said...

Hmmm, that's a lot of obscene calls to make to then only say two words.. if makes ya wonder just what he said!
Well done on perfecting the art of being a right pain in the bum... lol!

Brenda said...

Ahahahahaha!!! You sure did make my day.

Pete said...

never a dull day eh Attila

Frau said...

Thanks you are just the medicine I needed today! So funny!

mrsb said...

Ha! Needed that laugh to start my day! Thanks!

Star said...

At least you did the research

ntsc said...

131 obscene calls in an hour. Easy.

Between 2 and 3 AM the phone ringing is obscene, no need to say a word, just hang up when they pick it up and dial the next.

Ellen said...

I am sitting here in a hotel lobby and LMAO. We're going on the Disney cruise in a few hours, I woke up at 3, wired, and I've been online since. That was awesome. Have a good week. I hope to come home with even half a brain.

Charlie said...

Since you posted this a couple years ago, you've gotten much better at making calls. I think the speed-dialer helped because you've been calling me in less than ten seconds, and sometimes you even put me on hold.

Practice makes perfect and all that.

Jennifer McKenzie said...

Dang! I just realized it's been a long time since you've done some crazy stuff like this!!!
You should drink more. LOL.