Friday, August 10, 2012

Attila's Summer of Love

Sorry I haven't been around very much this summer, but there's a reason for it.

After our time away together in June, Hubby and I have been rediscovering each other and why we fell in love.

I don't know why this has happened right now---it could be that he's just had a milestone birthday, or that I've lost 70 lbs and have been feeling really great, or maybe because the Aspiring Adult moved out in June and we have more privacy---but we've been enjoying every second of it.

It's not like we were having problems or anything. But after 20 years together, and all of the crap that's happened in the last 3 years or so (the cruddy economy, my health issues, the Big Kid's illness, etc), there just wasn't an enormous amount of romance or intimacy happening in the Atilla house. Not a lot of time or energy for Hubby and I to be close and giggle and be a couple of kids in love.

So for the last couple of months, instead of being on the computer or busy with other non-important stuff, Hubby and I have been having lots and lots of S.E.X.

Or in other words, we've been makin' more bacon than the IHOP.

The kids are disgusted with us. Not that we've been flaunting it, but they can't help but observe the hand-holding, the cuddling, the quick little kisses....

And when their dad grabs my now-bony ass, they run screaming from the room.

But as in all things Atilla, I always find a way to embarrass myself.

I started reading romance novels again...something I haven't done in years. I've been sampling a variety of authors and each one is worse than the last. LOL I've been saving the most cringe-worthy passages to read to Hubby while we're alone so we can laugh our asses off. One author noted in her afterword that her fans write to her and tell her that they read her sex scenes to each other as foreplay. I tried that.

Hubby fell off the bed, laughing so hard and shouting, "NO! NOT SEXY!!"

Every day for years, I call Hubby at his office around 4pm to see what time he expects to be home and to give him a list if he needs to stop at the grocery.

For the last couple of months, however, I've decided that it was time to give his naughty bits a new name and have been calling him to try out new ones I've read from these horrendous books (or made up) and to remind him he's got a dirty dirty mistress waiting for him at home.

So when he answers his private line, I'll say something like, "Rampant Member" or "Sly and the Family Stones" and he'll start snickering.

Did I mention that he's been enjoying himself immensely?

The other day I read something that tickled my funny bone and decided to try it on my daily call.

I should have known that something was wrong as soon as he answered the phone. "Hello, this is XXXX, may I help you?"

It sounded like he was in a tunnel. But I soldiered on.

"Throbbing Manhood!" I bellowed.

There was silence. And then tittering. Several voices tittering. He had accidentally put us on speakerphone and there were people in his office.

"Uh, I think I have a wrong number," I stammered before hanging up.

He kept up the charade, but as most of his staff know, I call at that time and I don't think they were fooled.

Hubby thinks it's funny as hell, but I don't think I'll be showing my red face at the company picnic next week.

Oy.

10 comments:

Webster said...

What a great way to keep the candle of love glowing. Attila, your absence is excused. Carry on.


P.S. Congrats on losing 70 lbs.!

Star said...

He knows you call at that time too. I think you were set up!

Brenda said...

Way to go ATM!!!!!!

Crazy Mom Tats! said...

You go girl! Enjoy every bit of it!

Rootietoot said...

AAAAGH! I would have died a thousand deaths and insisted he go find a new job, in a new state or even country! I do, however, keep a mental list of those sill names- my favorite is "turgid member" It sounds like the person at the bottom of the cheerleader's pyramid.
Congrats on the rediscovery, we're in the process of that too, coming out of a painful couple of years. I just lack the cojones to write about it.

Joe said...

good for you ATM. Since I got the boot last year one of my ex's and I have been chummy, it reminded me of why I married her in the first place.

Jeanie said...

Woo Hoo! Congrats on the weight loss and the s.e.x. Keep up the good work.

Jennifer Leeland said...

LMAO!!! My husband puts me on speaker all the time...at his peril. I like to dirty text him too. Yeah, I disgust my kids too.
I remember when I first started reading your blog a long time ago and one of my favorite things you shared was the romantic/hilarious moments you had with your hubby.
I know things have been tough and I've MISSED this. I'm so glad for you!!!!

Valerie Marie said...

Dear ATM! You're back! I'm so happy for you and Hubby! Kisses from Germany
p.s. Don't you think he knew, you was calling - if you generaly call at this time?

Kim said...

Love it ! I'm so happy for you Attila .. nothing like having a little more privacy and a little less stress :)