Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Dear Mom...

Dear Mom,

Ever since we moved into the same mobile home park as Kitty's family, I'm still having the same problem. Her mom, dad and sister come and go as they please more than once a day and they still never knock. They just walk in. I know you said I should keep the doors locked but Kitty gave them all keys in case we lose ours, so if I lock the door they use the keys. Kitty doesn't want to tell them to stop because they all walk in and out of each other's places all the time. She says that's what family does. I tried to talk to her sister about how much it bothered me but she said that as long as Kitty lives here, she can walk in whenever she wants. I don't want to say anything to her mom and dad because they don't like me because we're living together anyway. Any advice?

Luv you


Dear Son,

You're just going to have to face the fact that her parents are never going to love you. They barely tolerated her first husband, and you're the guy defiling their daughter by living in sin. That she is 25 years older than you apparently doesn't enter into the equation. Frankly, I think I'M the one who should be pissed off. ;-)

That said, I think there's only one solution. Since neither of you are willing to confront them or take away the keys, I think you should revert back to childhood and embrace your previous predisposition towards nudism. Remember all those years I had to chase you around the house with your underwear flapping in my hand like a flag of surrender?

If they walk into YOUR home uninvited, they can hardly act shocked or offended to find you with your junk on display. If they have the further bad manners to insist that you put clothes on, simply say "If you had called first or been invited, I certainly would have made the time to put some pants on."

If by the third time encountering you the way God made you they haven't gotten the point, then they're all completely perverted individuals and you should demand your keys back. I'll buy you some of those magnetic box thingys and you can place them in strategic places on the underside of the mobile home in case you guys misplace your keys.

And my dear boy, if you ever confuse their bad manners with normal behavior and walk into MY house without knocking, I'll shove my foot so far up your butt that my toes will be being playing tootsie with your tonsils.

Love you back!


Dang, solving his problem was so easy!! I should solve EVERYBODY'S problems!!!

Who's next? LOL


Jeanie said...

Damn straight! Next time I have a problem I'm coming to you for an answer.

KWombles said...

Hee, you rock!

Big Daddy Autism said...

Nailed it!

TechnoBabe said...

Great answer. Seems to me he and Kitty need to get on the same page. I for one would not allow someone to disrespect the man I am living with that way. Just me.

Pete said...


Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Annie's Mailbox needs to hire you STAT. That is GENIUS advice!

Anonymous said...

How about if Kitty gets a kitten. Then he can put a door lock chain on the door which they can fasten shut when they are in the house smooching. they can say they did it cause they dont want the cat to get out.

Rootietoot said...

*filing this one away*
And your advice works. Terry's mom used to show up and just walk in all the time, until the day Terry met her at the door au natural, and said "mama, this isn't a good time" and she never did it again.

April said...

please oh please tell us if he really does this and of course if it works.


Katie :o) said...

Love it! You crack me up every time :o)

KL said...

I have so many problems, I could probably keep you busy for years!

Sending love to you and all your menfolk!

gayle said...

Love this!! Hope he does it!

Kim Ayres said...

I hope you really sent it :)

Charlie said...

"OMG, Martha, prong is missing!"

"No it isn't—you have your pajama pants on backwards."

Dear Mom,

I almost had another problem for you to solve because you're so durn good at it.

Warner (aka ntsc) said...

First wife used that on my mother. Worked very well. She expanded to missionaries knocking on doors.

I certainly wasn't going to object.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Boy... you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family-- or your "in-laws".

I would go bonkers if family popped in unannounced all the time. In fact, years ago, the day after a huge earthquake, my step-daughter and my husband's ex-wife used the daughter's key to our house to let themselves in... at 6am.... while we were still sleeping. WTF???

Big-ass earthquake or not, the first call I made was for a locksmith! Sheesh.

xoxo jj

Knock knock - it's cancer! said...

This was the funniest thing I've read in a long time!



imfunnytoo said...

Ok. Best blogpost I'ver read so far this month.

When we were first married, my husband and I had a particular friend, who we really did love, that always came knocking on the door when my husband and I were "busy" He at least had the grace to knock.

The first time I laughed, got out of bed and went to fetch him. (In a robe all proper) The second or third, he waited a bit then went away. I called him later and said "What IS this with your timing??"

I have given my mother a rule, concerning
TheTinyAccessiblePalaceinthestate wherethesportsteamsloseallthetime.

which so far she has followed.

"24 hours notice, Mom. Period, always, the end." Not because I have a string of guys in and out of there, (because yanno widows do that sometimes) but because I'm a lousy housekeeper.

Anonymous said...

Very funny. Two words: dead bolt. They only work when you're inside the house and thus, the whole "oh, heck, you might have lost your key and need me to barge into your house at inconvenient times" will not apply.

My extended family wanders in and out of each other's houses as well. This is why I moved a thousand miles away -- they pretty much have to call before they drop by.