Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Gak!

I know I just did a WTF post, but it seems like lately the world is just full of WTFs.

The other day, I read an article about the world's record holder for the longest fingernails. Before she was in a car crash this past February (which apparently broke some of her nails), each nail was almost 3 feet long. The 68-year-old great-grandmother had been growing them for thirty years.

The first thought that went through my mind when I saw her picture was "GAH! MY EYES! MY EYES!"

The second was, "How in the heck did she drive a car like that? It's a wonder she didn't have LOTS of accidents!"

Well, the article didn't actually say if she was driving or not, so I guess maybe we could infer that she was a passenger in the vehicle.

And of course---being me---the next question I had was, "How in the world did she wipe her own ass?"


Even with one of those long wipey-stick things you can get from a medical supply store, her nails would still get in the way, and unless she had 5-foot-long arms, I can't see how she could maneuver it.

So did she have someone wipe her butt for her like Henry VIII or did she just sit in her own fug all the time?

Was the wiper a relative? A paid companion? How much would a professional butt-wiper make these days, considering that medical insurance or medicare prolly wouldn't cover a home health-aide worker for someone who is willfully disabled?

How did she bathe? Dress? Or even sleep, for Pete's sakes? Did she hang off the rafters like a bat at night? Is she married? Could you imagine crawling into bed with those at the end of the day?

Since the article said she had been growing her nails for 30 years, and they were almost 3-feet long each, I did an off-the-cuff calculation of nail growth of around 12 inches every 10 years. So at age 48, her nails would have been a foot long (Can you smell a Mythbusters experiment coming on?).

On Sunday, I decided to try it out. Just for a little while to see what it would be like. We had company coming Monday for a cookout, and I needed to get cracking with the cleaning.

But first I needed to gather some information.

Honey, I asked. If I broke both my arms, would you be willing to wipe my butt for me for 6 weeks or so?

"I don't see how I'd have much of a choice".

That's my man. He's put up with me, my kids, miscellaneous spot-welding in the middle of the night, my nose-hose and other downright annoying habits for the last 17 years.

What if I was uh---disabled on purpose? Would you wipe my butt for twenty or thirty years?

He gave me the hairy eyeball. "Only if you were getting a million dollars annually and I got special seats at the Superbowl every year."

Well yeah, I get it. True love only goes so far. I wouldn't wipe HIS butt for 30 years either.

So I duct-taped wooden skewers to my fingers. I felt like Attila Scissorhands. It lasted about 3 hours.

Could I wash dishes? Not really. I had to "palm" the glasses, turn them over, and try to grip them from the bottom to put them in the washer. Then I had to kind of grab the scrub brush in the joint between my thumb and first finger to scrub plates, and damn, that hurt!

Could I wipe the counters? Took at LEAST twice the time it would normally take. Had to wipe sideways to try to get the edges, and I could only go as far as 10-inches from the wall and between the microwave, etc.

Could I make the bed? Forget it. Then again, I rarely make the bed, so I guess it doesn't matter.

Could I vacuum? Ok, I was able to get that under control. But if my "nails" were any longer, I don't think it would happen.
Could I do Laundry? No. Could I empty the garbage cans? No. Could I pick up dog poop? No (and amazingly enough, the dookie wasn't from Little Missy, but from our OTHER little yorkie, who is misbehaving in protest for bringing the interloper into HER home).

Could I skewer a poopy little dog and roast her over an open flame?

Absolutely.

Could I poke the men in my household to do the stuff I couldn't do? Yep.

Now came the bathroom test. I was able to slide my pants down with my palms. But when it came time to wipe? Gah!

Tried to wipe down the front way. The "nails" ran into the side of the bowl. Tried the back way. Same problem.

I ended up standing up, kicking off one pant leg and putting my foot on the stool.

Yeah, that worked. I also stabbed myself in the thigh.

Then I couldn't figure out how to put my pants back on again. I shuffled over to the bathroom door, cracked it and called, "Honey? Sweetie? Could you come here and help me for a minute?"

Hubby poked his head in the door. Took in me with my "nails", my pants down around an ankle---and zeroed in on the box of Tampons that happened to be sitting on the counter (just got them from the store and hadn't put them away yet).

"No." he said. "Oh HELL no!" And slammed the door.

So I tore those suckers off and called it a day. How in the heck could a person function with 1-foot fingernails, not to mention 3-FOOT fingernails?

Fingernail Woman says that the car crash (and subsequent nail breakage) "robbed her of her identity".

I'd say it more or less "robbed" her of being waited on hand and foot like she's been for the last 20 or so years. I can't believe the level of self-indulgence it would take to have this kind of hobby or how a family could enable it by decades of servitude.

Guess it's time to pull yourself up by those bootstraps, Lady.

All on your own, this time.

32 comments:

Beth said...

“Being me.”
Oh, yeah! Only you would take on such an experiment and I love you for it!
I’m still laughing at all the visuals!

Frau said...

OMG you crack me up too damn funny!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

YOU KILL ME!!! I can well imagine how that looked to your husband--with the box of tampons strategically placed no less!
That picture icks me out. That woman freaks me out. Fingernails that exceed 1/4 inches in length are JUST WRONG. I call that car crash divine intervention.

St Jude said...

Ah I love you, that is my kind of experiment. Of course that is platonic, friendly, blog buddy type love... you can sort your own knickers out lady. I draw the line.

Rootietoot said...

AAAGH! Count on you to give that a try! I laughed a lung up!

digibirder said...

Nooooo! That is unbelievable. I can't function when my nails are just clearing my fingertips. Bet she couldn't speed-type!!

Chris H said...

I thought the exact same thing when I read about her a while ago.. wonder who did wipe her butt?
She's weird.
And YOU crack me up!

debra said...

OMG!!! I truly needed a laugh today, and you have provided it. But only because my nails are short. If they were like hers, I would surely not be laughing!

carmachu said...

Yeah....just yeah. No way would I wipe or help kim for her own vanity. broken arms is one thing. Nails? yeah not so much

Joanna Jenkins said...

That just wrecked me! Hysterical!!!!! LOVE the photo too.
I'll keep this in mind the next time I think someone in my family is whacked. Even at their worst, they don't come close to the nail lady.
Thanks for the laugh!
xo

Stinkypaw said...

My second thought, because I had the same first thought as you did, was how does she eat? No matter what this is gross on top of being really strange and useless.

Thanks for the smirks though!

Green-Eyed Momster said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Green-Eyed Momster said...

Sorry, I had to re-word my comment!

Great minds really DO think alike! My very first thought was "How in the world did she wipe her own ass?"

What a funny experiment! Maybe we should have Mythbusters follow her around for a day and see how she functions. I wouldn't be able to do anything with those nails. I wouldn't leave the house without makeup on let alone a dirty ass? Ewwww!

Hugs!!

Afterthoughts-How did she wipe a child's butt or nose without killing them? Maybe she doesn't have kids?

I guess she's never done any laundry.... Getting clothes out of the washer and putting them in the dryer would be impossible!

I wonder what her husband's back looks like.....

Oh Attila, I might have nightmares about this post and I saw some WTF posts that I missed! Sorry!

Hugs!!

Meg said...

Oh my gosh, you are so awesome. That was my first thought. About the ass wiping thing. And the fact that you actually did an experiment to figure it out? Priceless.

She kinda looks like the old witch lady in Robin Hood (the one with Kevin Costner). I hope the nightmares about her I had when I was a kid don't return. That witch would be even creepier with those freakishly long nails!

Valerie Marie said...

Still laughing! xoxo

abfh said...

I'm guessing that she was very limber and used her toes to wipe her butt.

Jennifer McKenzie said...

We all appreciate what you've done for science...
LMAO!!!

Brenda said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, dayum, that was funny.

When I saw that article my first thought was OMG how Nasty! I'm a freak about clean fingernails and I can just imagine the germs on those ugly weapons! Just ewwwwwwwwww!!

Debbie said...

This is my first visit and woman you are friggin hillarious! Brenda posted on FB and I've laughed till I cried. Writing about it is one thing, but the photo? Outstanding!

Tampons? Hubby? BWHAAAAAAA!!!!!

Cindra said...

Thank God for facebook or I would have missed this little gem of information.
I can't believe you even tried to recreate the nails! Thank you for sharing!!!

Jeanette said...

That post was hilarious. I'm glad I found you (via facebook). You are a hoot!!

She said...

I just peed! OMGawd!

ParkerMama said...

lol!

I'm pretty sure this person was from Utah too.

Yeah, sister wives and the weird. That often sums this state up pretty well. ;D

mrsb said...

I am sooooo going to do this to my husband, lol!

Debbie Cakes said...

Thanks for the giggles! I like your homespun experimental style with pictures to boot. (And your bravery to include the explicit details- yikes and ouch!)

SylphEllcrys said...

I think I peed a little. Hilarious!

RC said...

That's hillarious, disgusting, and a fantastic expirement.

David Wagner said...

That was ridiculously amusing. Glad I wandered in here...

Liz in Virginia said...

Hilarious! I'm so glad I found this blog!

Lille Diane said...

This is my first time here, too. WAyyyyyyyyyyyyy better than therapy, Laughed so hard my cat left the room. I always wondered how Dolly Parton played her guitar with her nails, and wondered the same thing....how does she wipe. But this gal takes the cake for grossness.

Thanks for the great laughs. I'll be back. I wish I'd known about you before I dumped all my money into therapy and drugs. LOL

Domestic Spaz said...

This is hilarious. LOL! Those nails are nasty... seriously.

You got some bloggy award love over at my place.

Juan Scawymuthafucca said...

I almost wet my pants, I laughed so hard at this post! Only I can wipe and I wouldn't stab myself in the thigh over it.

I couldn't imagine growing my nails that long. I keep short nails because of my contact lenses. I grew them out once, tried taking my lenses out with the knuckles of my index finger and thumb and almost removed the entire eyeball. I cut my nails a minute later and never looked back!