Saturday, January 26, 2008

Things That Make You Go AIIIGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Do any of you have a list of things that literally give you nightmares? Not just "ewww" stuff, but things that make you wake up in a cold sweat with a scream stuck in your throat?

Big Kid's list used to just include 2 things---the water pipes in the basement and clowns. He'd wake me up in the middle of the night, "Them pipes is chasing me!". Poor kid.

Maybe it's because I'm more neurotic (I prefer to think it's because I've had more years on the planet), but my list is quite a bit longer.

Eyeballs (that new commercial where the guy gets his car stolen and there's a wall of eyeballs looking at him made me want to poke my own out)

I think that movie they made all the kids watch in the 6th grade here in Colorado where the Eskimo guy cuts out a big-ass caribou eyeball and hands it to his tyke to take a bite out of is responsible for a great deal of eyeball phobia in the Rocky Mountains. I never quite got the vomit stink out of my suede tennis shoes either (courtesy of the kid sitting in front of me).

Spider toes Like the ones attached to my husband's feet.

Dogs licking me Back in junior high, I used to go to my best friend's house after school. Her mother (who would probably be called a MILF today), used to lay out on the back porch in her bikini to soak up the rays. We'd go out and chat with her and tell her about our day.

She'd cover herself in almond oil (this was pre-skin-cancer warning days) and let her five---YES FIVE!---dogs lick it off her. One for each limb, and one on the belly. Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Skeeved the heck out of me. I STILL have nightmares about it from time to time.

Loogies Self-explanatory.

And the list goes on.....

I was catching up on my reading and ran into a few more things I think I can safely add to my list of things I'll probably have nightmares about:

Toofies in my foo foo.

Remember that old bad joke about the mother who wanted her son to stay pure and told him that girls had teeth in their girly parts? Well some guy has made a movie about a teenage girl with that very same condition, called Teeth.

I KNOW I'm going to start having nightmares about this without ever watching it. What if I wake up with toofies? What do I do about dental hygiene? Crotch cavities? What if they were crooked? Would I have to find an orthocologist? Gives new meaning to the term "butt floss". AAIIGHHHH!!!
Sometimes I dream about people breaking into the house and having to find some place to hide. Recently, a young woman in West Jordan, Utah hid in her closet when three intruders broke in and tried to burgle the place. Luckily, she had her phone and was able to call 911.

The burglars even opened the closet and rummaged through it, but by some stroke of luck didn't see her. Then they heard the sirens and the police at the door.

One of the burglars ACTUALLY GOT IN THE CLOSET WITH HER to hide, not knowing she was there.

"He was just standing right next to me. I could have put my arms around him." Aiiighhhh!!!

The young woman waited until the police were in the room before screaming, "He's in here!"

The burglar was so startled that he crapped himself and ruined her best pair of shoes.

Well no, not really, but that's the part I'd probably have a nightmare about. Trying to replace my nice shoes.

Big Kid has been feeling pretty lonely. He has a hard time meeting girls, and when he does, he doesn't know whether to run, sh*t or go blind.

So he's done some stupid stuff, like signing up for the trial period of dating sites and using the debit card to an account that probably has $25.00 in it. Then he forgets to cancel before the trial period and the card gets billed $59.99, prompting letters from the bank and nasty emails from the dating sites. And a kick in the pants with a bunny slipper, because I have to go down to the bank and cover the shortage.

But when a friend sent me this site, I realized that yes, it could be worse. He could find one of these "hotties" and give me nightmares forever. AAAIIGHHHHH!!

What's on your scary list?


Mrs. G. said...

spiders, growling dogs, testicles of any kind, grubs.

teahouse said...


There are too many things I can think of that give me nightmares. I was a very nervous kid, and always fretting about stuff. Like the killer bees and global warming. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm a dork.

Kim Ayres said...

Tax returns

Maddy said...

Good grief! What a long list! What are loogies, I definitely need that one translated.

Kikilia said...

What are spider toes?

For me- rodents... ewwww! can't even type the proper names without being freaked out!

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I can't stand feet....if they're hairy...that's even worse! I also have had numerous nightmares about monsters under my bed. As a child I would take running jumps to get on top...I'm not that bad now...but you WON'T catch me dangling my feet over! NO THANK YOU!

I often have the anxiety ridden dream where I am late...I have no idea where I need to be...but I know I am LATE!

litzi said...

Hi Attila,
Snakes, lizards, and all things reptilian send me over the edge every time I encounter one. Poison Oak; a broken computer; car accidents; having the sewer line back-up in the house; trees crashing through the house during a storm; becoming senile, or getting dementia or Alzheimer’s and not realizing it; losing my vision, hearing or sense of taste; another 9/11…..

The infinite list of things that scare me is scary.

barnmouse said...

Spiders! Even the little ones (in my book, there ARE no little ones). Eyeballs. Touching eyeballs, putting in contacts, those murder-type shows where they do other things with eyeballs...etc... And spit. Gross. Blech!

Angela said...

I will be adding a few of your fears onto my list. I am sure glad I only have teeth in my mouth. And suppose you bite your um.. lip area... ouch... um...

Chris H said...

Hell I hope all those women are in prison!!!! As for what scares me.. mostly losing all my teeth! weird but true. Oh and losing any of my kids.

Anonymous said...

what?! are you serious? is that site REAL?!?!

-is speechless-

anyways, tell big kid not to worry.
he's too cute to get messed up in stupid ones. he'll find his "perfect" one, someday! it takes time!

as for fears--to be honest, i truly hate clowns. they scare the shit out of me.

Beth said...

I have nightmares of my teeth crumbling and falling out (OF MY MOUTH!)
I'm also with the Big Kid as to clowns...

Pete said...

hope my post answers the question

Vicky T said...

I'm not usually a fearful person (I can handle spiders, etc) but for some reason the movie Marathon Man (Dustin Hoffman, came out in the 70s) just creeps me out and I cannot be in the same room with it. Luckily this does not happen very often.

Stinkypaw said...

Snakes and bugs... argh!

I wonder if that woman who would let her dogs lick her like that, ever cover any other body part with peanut butter to let the dogs lick it off? Sorry, my brain just went there... gross I know!

Anonymous said...

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BethGo said...

Oh yes. I am definitely having nightmares tonight.

litzi said...

Earthquakes; floods; hurricanes, tornadoes; wildfires; global warming…

Anonymous said...

Oh My Word.


The teeth in the hoohaa thing is really weird, gross and just plain disturbing. But I guess that is the point.

As for me...ants.

They are so demonic looking and they are everywhere! GAAAHHH

Brenda said...

Those eye balls do it for me too, and wet willies, they make me puke, spit is SO nasty!

Melissa said...

There are some mighty disturbing things on your blog today...but nothing gives me more chills than our current Vice-President Dick Cheney. That man has no blood running through his veins.

OneEar said...

Advice for Big Kid: The best cure for awkwardness is to focus on increasing your paycheck. Although money can't buy you love, it can rent a close approximation.

Jennifer McKenzie said...

Presidential Elections.

LOL. Just kidding. I live for those.
No, I'm terrified of someone breaking into my house when my husband is out of town. Me, alone with two small children and four cowardly dogs and no idea what the gun safe combination is.
That's my nightmare.

Rootietoot said...

Those huge power lines- I have nightmares about them coming loose and I'm caught in the middle. And tornadoes.

Valerie Marie said...

I still can't believe that this site is real ... did you read the FAQ? OMG...I didn't know that so much women got a life sentence...that scares me!
((Big Kid)) xoxo

Attila The Mom said...

Hehehe---actually it's not real. It's a well-done parody. ;-)

Ann(ie) said...

eyeballs here too. I saw an ER once where this guys eyeball popped out and I couldn't.even.look. I was too skeeved out. And then there was that Grey's Anatomy where the guy got a pencil stuck in his eyeball. I ran out of the room screaming!

Michelle said...

I am dying to know what spider toes are too!
The dog licking thing is just.. yick! LOL

DutchBitch said...

Yeah thanks... you already floored me with the eyeballs pic... Blegh!

TOM said...

Whenever I think of George Bush being in charge of our nuclear arsenal...I get nervous.

Lola Magnolia said...

Spiders. That'll do it for me. Just spiders. Yet, a poon with teeth wouldn't be so great to have either.

Funny story about the burglars! Ya' gotta' be pretty scared oh, and stupid and blind, not to see someone standing right next to you.

Special K said...

You seriously find the best news stories, ever.

As for the toofies, there are quite a lot of myths about vagina dentata (pretty self-explanatory) that are cross-cultural, and there's a lot of psychological truth behind it.

Ever watch "Lonely Planet"? That one wee English guy was in a frigging yurt with a bunch of Mongols and et a sheep's eyeball. He was the guest of honour, and so he couldn't refuse it. That poor bastard just kept chewin' it and chewin' it, and fairly looked like he'd spew, but managed to keep it down.

I'm so glad I only have to eat a lot of figurative shit in my own job.