Friday, December 05, 2008

You're a Douche Bag!!

While I was down for the count in the last month, it seems like the universe held a parental douche baggery convention. And I missed it.

Can't quite fit back into the killer bunny slippers to kick some heinie yet, but that's ok. My left foot looks like it's wearing a shar-pei. Even the sole of my foot has loose folds of stretched-out skin which is really really freaky. Who needs a scary slipper when the real thing is hideous on its own?

Anyhoo, thought I'd introduce a few douche bags to the hall of shame since it's been awhile...

Your daughter and her friend take nekkid pictures of themselves with their cellphones over the summer. They send a photo to one of the girls' boyfriend. A photo "accidently" gets sent to the cell phones of the entire football team (whether via the boyfriend or one of the girls' phones wasn't made clear).

Someone anonymously sends a copy of the picture to school officials, who suspend your daughters from the cheerleading squad because their actions violate the code of ethics.

So you sue the school for damages (amongst them is negligent infliction of emotional distress and outrage), because it's "obviously" their fault that your daughters are Suzi Slutpanties who can't control themselves.

You're a Douche Bag!


Your child is at an age where he wants everything he sees on TV. Kick-Me-In-The-Head Elmo. Brite-Lite Barney with the Kung-fu Grip. Now that the holidays are approaching, toy manufacturers are stepping up the promotions during their biggest season of the year and your kid's Santa wish list is getting bigger, longer and backbreakingly expensive.

Do you:

1). Limit Bratleigh's TV time so that Power Rangers with thermonuclear lunch boxes aren't constantly dancing in his head? Make him read a book instead? Go outside and play in the yard? Bake cookies or do some other kind of activity together?

or do you:

2). Use this as an opportunity for teaching life lessons? Such as, "life is full of disappointments, and we don't always get everything we want. How about looking at the list and picking out the one or two presents you want the most (if it's a young child) or rating each item as to wantability (if it's an older child)."

Life isn't going to hand them everything just because they want it. Better they learn that early at home so they can be prepared for the real world as adults.

Unless of course you really want your kid living in your basement when he's 30.

or do you:

3). Band together with 1400 other wussyboots and contact toy companies to ask them to stop advertising so aggressively during the holidays because you're unable to tell your cupcake "no" or keep the little dictator away from the TV.

If you picked number 3, then You're a Douche Bag!!


It's a rainy day. You're dropping your kids off at school and the only available parking space in the loading zone is the one reserved for the disabled. And you're in a hurry, dammit.

Who's going to notice? You'll just take a minute to walk your cupcakes inside the building.

When you come out another father is waiting to talk to you. He is the parent of two children, both who have MS. He's waiting to use the disabled spot and asks you not to use the reserved space in the future because they are needed for families who have children who have physical disabilities.

Instead of apologizing and high-tailing your soccer-dadding-mini-van-driving butt out of there, you decide to give him a good talking to. "Just because you have a hard life doesn't mean the world owes you everything."


And a 5-star Douche Bag!


Brenda said...

Those are some well deserved Douche Bag Awards!

mrsb said...

I can't believe that story about the special ed director! Holy crap, that really is a 5 star douche bag!

Jennifer McKenzie said...

And that School District's SE Director? DOUCHE BAG SQUARED!!!

Traceytreasure said...

Wow! I'm shocked at some of this behavior. And, a bit relieved that I'm not a douche bag!

They were all equally shocking although #1 didn't really surprise me. Sad....


Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Y'know, when I read about #2 in the paper this week, I thought the same thing. People need to grow a pair. Except for the folks in #1 and #3, who clearly need theirs pruned.

Pete said...

attila on top form :D

Anonymous said...

I'm going to sue you for making me think of the words "douche bag" over and over again.

The parents complaining about adverstising? Are you f*cking kidding me??? Turn off the TV, DOUCHE BAG!!

Samantha said...

Wow, epic assholes. I don't know if you have seen any of the reports but over here there is a massive outcry about the death of Baby P. It's not a nice story, but everyone involved is either a monster or a fcukwit.

Clippy Mat said...

well deserved awards by the sounds of it and hopefully the director of special ed gets hers pinned to her next paycheque.
well said.

Ellen said...

Thanks for the well-deserved awards!!!!!! And boy, did these db's deserve them.

Ellen said...

Thanks for the well-deserved awards!!!!!! And boy, did these db's deserve them.

Valerie Marie said...

I remember when you wrote about hubby's feet ... take it easy: Sharpeis are very cute! xoxo

Koolio said...

I absolutely agree, total douchebags. As for the last one, I've almost gotten my ass kicked on a few occasions for parking behind people who use the handicapped who don't have it marked anywhere on their car that they are handicapped ('cause they're not) and called the police. I probably shouldn't get involved, but if you can freakin' walk then WALK!! A little exercise wouldn't hurt their flabby asses!

She said...

Those are some pretty messed up stories. Whew!

That last one especially!

OneEar said...

I'm not clear on the exact meaning of the term "douche-bag."

I understand the douche to be a type of vaginal enema. Is the douche-bag the reservoir that propels juice into the giner or is it a type of case in which one stores one's douche? Sorry for my naiveté, but I've just never had the occasion.

Boomer Chick said...

LOL, definitely douche bag material! Great post...wanted to stop by and say hi!

alfreda e. neuman said...

It’s exceedingly disconcerting to see able bodied individuals leap out of their cars and run into the market, using a Handicapped parking space as a 10 minute zone, only to witness some feeble person limping along with a cane traversing the entire span of the lot to get into the store. It’s a shame establishments can’t (or won’t?) enforce their parking spaces stringently. Perhaps a few enormous parking tickets might make some of these thoughtless bozos more attuned to the world around them.

Big Pissy said...

That last one is just unreal! :(

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Good LORD....these people are truly pathetic!

Suddenly...I feel like a better parent! :) (and person...for that matter)